Jay's Essays

The Huxtables

2009-12-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

I think that every father from my generation wants to be Heathcliff Huxtable. For those who don't know, Cliff Huxtable was the father on TV's The Cosby Show played by none other than Bill Cosby himself. I'm no exception. I'm always looking to have a great teaching moment with my own personal Theo's, Rudy's and Vanessa's.

Tonight for example I thought that I would use the spirit of Christmas to motivate my younger daughter, who is 4 years old to do her chores. I told her, "Hey, Sweetheart. You need to come over here and pick up your books and toys or Santa might put you on the Naughty List!" She walked across the room and after standing around for about 3 seconds she started to walk away. Hmmm.... Maybe she didn't understand... "Hey Honey, I saw you walked over here but you didn't pick anything up. Now come back here and pick up or you'll wind up on the Naughty List."

... Nothing... She just kept walking....

"Baby Girl... You need to come and do this right now or you're on the Naughty List."

...Nothing....

"That's it... I guess you're on the Naughty List now."

...Nothing....

"Did you here me??? I SAID YOU'RE NOW ON THE NAUGHTY LIST!"

Without looking up she replied her most matter-of-fact tone, "Ok, I'm on the Naughty List. Thanks for the news."

So maybe that wasn't my proudest parenting moment. Later in the same night we went to church to see a large exhibit of Nativity scenes from around the world. On the way home my little Naughty-Lister (She is still on it by the way) pointed up the hill by our house and said that she wanted me to drive up to the houses so we could see the Christmas lights. Her big sister, age 5, wasted no time sharing her stance on the proposal with a nasty strain of whines. Absolutely zero interest. So I decide to reprise my roll as Dr. Huxtable. I pulled over to the side of the road.

"Alrighty then, Love. You don't have to ride with us to see the lights. I'm just going to drop you off here by the side of the road and we will come back to pick you up. OH NO! you didn't wear a coat tonight! That's too bad because it's 30 degrees and really dark out there. OK, hop out so we can go see the lights."

She unclicked her seatbelt. Hmmmm....

"Ummmm. What are you doing?"

"I'm getting out Dad."

"I said its freezing cold out there and its dark and we are driving away."

"So can I just walk home then Dad?"

"No... you just have to wait here in this really cold, dark spot by yourself, ok?"

She hopped out and shut the door. Watching her in my mirrors I started to drive away very slowly. I turned up toward the hill on the other side of the street and watched her standing there waiting patiently for us to return. I rolled down the window and was shocked at how cold it was. I beckoned her across the street. She jogged over to the car.

"Ok get in the car."

"No, I don't want to go see the lights."

"Well we can't just leave you here because you'll wind up in a foster home and Mommy & Daddy will go to prison."

"I'll walk behind the car."

"Fine then I'll just drive behind you."

She then proceeded to stroll up the steep hill past decorated houses. I saw our pediatrician's house coming up and silently hoped that she would either get in the car or break into a big of a jog. But she just kept walking. About half way up the hill a dog came running out of a yard barking and started to chase her.

"HONEY! DON'T YOU WANT TO GET IN THE CAR NOW?!?"

"NO DAD! I'LL WALK ALL THE WAY UP THIS HILL THEN ALL THE WAY HOME!"

She just strode casually past the dog. At the top of the hill I had to come to grips with the facts.

FACT #1) The Cosby show has been of the air for decades.

FACT #2) There is only one Heathcliff Huxtable.

FACT #3) The problem with my kids is that they are smart, confident and determined.

FACT #4) FACT #3 isn't really a problem.... it's they way I'm trying to raise my kids to be.

I guess when all is said and done my little bits of creative parenting didn't wind up making them succumb to my awesome powers of fatherhood. The toys didn't get cleaned up and we didn't all ride together to see the lights. I just take comfort in the fact that I'm raising daughters who don't take crap from anybody, including me.

Maybe next time I'll try to bribe them with some Jello Puddin' Pops... They still make those right?

The Punishment of Punishments

2008-08-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

This post is a tribute to my beautiful mother: Beverly Young. She passed away one week ago on July 27th. Mom did wonderful things for us kids from teaching us to make believe and dream big to making lunch for school. Sometimes, however, she had discipline us. This is my story.....

My parents weren't grounders. There were no time-outs. Those benign forms of punishment didn't really phase us. We liked spending time at home and frankly my parents saw keeping us at home when we were being annoying as a punishment for themselves. So they became spankers. Say all of the bad stuff you want about spanking you tree-hugging hippy, a good whipping communicated with me in ways that your hand holding, super nanny ways never could. See I have a hard-wired booty-brain connection that helped me to develop a moral compass. Although my Dad is an imposing figure 6 foot plus and 220 plus, it was Mom you didn't want to spank you. Dad would get you once or twice with the belt and you could keep your jeans or football pants or whatever on. Take the licks, fake some tears and listen to the lecture that followed and you could go about your business.

Mom was a different story. We called her "Metal Arm". It was bare-bottom hand-to-butt combat. Mom would spank you until she got tired. She would spank you until you got the message. There was no after spanking lecture because you always got the message. For all I know the woman may have spanked a few years off of my life. You would just hold on and pray that she would hit both cheeks otherwise you might walk in a circle for about a month from being lopsided. Once I fought with all my might to hold back the tears so that I could show her that she wasn't so tough... but you know what? She WAS that tough. She was across the room, easily 20 feet away. I was at the door with my hand on the knob. I waited until there was maximum distance between me and her to shrug my shoulders and say "That didn't hurt". All I know is that I never made it out the door and she addressed my "concern".

I value these spankings greatly because they taught me that I could do whatever I wanted to but that there had to be consequences. Please don't interpret any of what I have written to mean that Mom was in any way a cruel woman. No the cruelty came when she discovered the ultimate form of punishment. I once attempted to call the Department of Health and Human Services in hopes that they would intervene. They just laughed at me. That's what made this form of punishment so devastating.... nobody would or could rescue you.

When we would start to fight Mom would come into the middle of the room and command us all to get on our knees. Once we had all knelt down she too would kneel..... and begin to pray. The prayer would go something like this:

Father in Heaven, I kneel before you at this time to apologize for the fact that my children are poorly behaved. Please forgive me for any part I may have had in them turning out to be so contentious. I tried Heavenly Father. I honestly tried. I took vitamins while I was pregnant with them. I tried to give them love but they just seem to want to fight and be mean.

The prayer would last for about one hour like this. By the time she finished none of us could walk because either our knees were too numb or our legs would not unfold from under us. This punishment would spill over into the next few prayers too. Morning prayer, Evening prayer, even prayers over meals would be no shorter than 20 minutes. After a while we developed a plan whereby one of us would volunteer to pray and offer a much shorter but still reasonable 1-2 minute prayer. After "Amens" Mom would smile, thank whoever had prayed, and the say "Now it's my turn". It wasn't fair. It's one thing to fight with your sister. Its another to defy Mom and her chosen form of discipline, but when you're afraid that God might strike you with lightning when you try to escape there is no escape.

So what do I do with my girls? I mostly yell, we do some time-outs and the rare spanking. I'm saving the punishment of punishments, the method Mom invented and perfected. I'm just waiting until one of the girls shows up with some boy.

But in the end Mom's methods worked. She raised 5 children and all of them have received great educations, none of us have ever done drugs, had a child out of wedlock, gone to jail or voted for Ralph Nader. Thanks Mom. Rest well.

Tahoe?? Tah-NO!

2008-06-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

Recently in an attempt to rescue my wife from a life of being a "mini-van mom" we traded in the old Honda Odessy and purchased an almost new red Chevy Tahoe. It's beautiful. 5,200 lbs of American metal and miles and miles of wires. From the DVD player (AKA child silencer) to the seat heaters (bun toasters) we never could have imagined having a car this nice. Power trunk, automatic folding seats, wireless headphones... I can even hear the little computer inside it booting up whenever the door is opened. In all honesty I am sometimes a little bit disappointed when the car doesn't talk back to me like on Knight Rider. I never thought that we would own a vehicle where we would have to coax the girls to get out after a ride with candy and college funds.

The other day we had quite a bit of running around to do. While Mandy and the girls sat in the car and watched a movie I would run into this place for 5 minutes and that place for 2 minutes. We had to make a 20 minute stop at the home of a woman who is making some illustrations for my clinic. Afterward I jumped into the driver's seat, pushed the button to automatically adjust the seat to my comfort, and that's about where the nightmare began. I turned my key in the ignition and all of the sudden it's "rrrrrr.....rrrrr....click click click....". It was the sound of my heart dying. MY CAR! MY BEAUTIFUL CAR! All the lights went dim. The DVD player ground to a halt, the satellite radio cut off, systems errors started to flash on the dash: "Stabilitrack Disabled," "Park Assist Disabled," "Check Battery, "HELP ME JASON I'M DYING!"

The whole family was dumb founded. "I think our battery is dead," I said. This was met with cries of disbelief, sorrow, and incredulity. "No seriously, I think that we have run down the battery." Mandy asked how that was possible. Granted, there are about a million and three electrical devices in the car and we use just about all of them. I guess it would have been more reasonable to ask how it hadn't happened sooner but given all of the other bells and whistles we thought that instead of a standard car battery that there would be a miniature nuclear reactor or something like that under the hood to meet the energy needs.

I told the family not to panic, I would go back to the house and ask if they could give us a jump start. I tried to open my door: nothing. Oh NO! The power locks were broken! WE'RE TRAPPED! I started to hyperventilate. I couldn't even roll down the power windows or open the power sunroof to crawl out. How much oxygen was in this thing and how long would it take us to run out? "EVERYBODY BREATHE SLOWLY. TRY TO CONSERVE THE AIR." Mandy, who was obviously consuming plenty of oxygen was quick to point out that the manual locks still worked. After escaping from the disabled vehicle Mandy and the girls went into the house to visit while the man of the house and I embarked on the simple task of jumping the Tahoe.

My jumper cables were in the trunk. Without thinking I hit the button on my key ring that would typically cause it to open slowly using an automated system. But of course I forgot that there was no power so that didn't work. I tried the handle but instead of a latch there is just a button that you push to activate the automatic door. Useless. Now I felt just as locked out as I had felt locked in a moment earlier. Obvious answers weren't coming to me quickly in this paniced state. It took a full 3 or 4 minutes before I realized that I could just crawl into the back of the SUV from the inside and get the jumper cables (operating completely by feel since the lights back there no longer worked).

Fortunately the manufacturers had the foresight to make the hood mechanism completely manual otherwise it would have warranted its own paragraph. Once we got under the hood the sight was amazing. Everything under the hook was emaculate, organized, and impressive. It was what you might expect to see when you pop the hood on the starship Enterprise (that's Star Trek for you non-nerds out there). We quickly found what we assumed was the battery. It was a box about the size of a battery and there were thick electrical cables coming out of it. We opened the cover on the box only to find a bunch of labeled fuses: Lights, Stereo, Mirrors, Wash/Dryer, DVD Player, Rotissere Grill, Windshiled Wipers, Time Travel, Etc. After spending 15 minutes trying to figure out how in the world to replace the cover on the "fake" battery we searched the other side of the car for the real one. When we found it I was pleased to see that it was set up special for jumping. (Apparently other people have had this problem before). There was a bright red box that when opened had a perfect spot for hooking up the positive lead of the jumper cable. This was too easy! There had to be, and there was, a catch. If you know anything about electricity you know that you need to have a positive and a negative to complete the circuit. In this case and metal part of the car would have done. Our problem? To keep the engine area so emaculate and clean just about every piece of metal in there have been coated with this plastic like substance, completely insulating it. It only took about 20 minutes in the dark to find a piece of metal that would get the job done.

The whole experience made me grateful for simple things in our lives like butter churns and manual washing machines. Now I see the wisdom of the manual can opener, potato powered shortwave radios and checkers rather than the Xbox 360. Technology has made me soft and a little bit stupid. I'm going to start doing things a little more old fashioned from now on (I vow on my electronic journal via the information super highway). Tomorrow morning, I'm not even going to press that button on my power toothbrush, I'm going to do it like the Amish instead.

20 Questions

2008-06-03T23:23:00.000-07:00

I bet you thought you'd never hear from me again... And given that thought this latest entry is so appropriate.

I was out to eat with my family last night at Applebee's. My two little girls, though adorable, can become like nails to a chalkboard when they get even a little bit bored. Tonight was especially bad and out of the corner of my eye I could see my wife who was wearing an expression like she was about to jump up on our table and auction the girls of to the FIRST bidder (not even necessarily the highest). For the sake of keeping our sanity and out of prision, I decided that I would teach my little darlings, Taylor (3) and Rilee (2) a fun game: 20 questions.

"Girls," I said. "We're going to play a fun game where you get to ask Daddy a lot of questions. I'm going to pick one thing on the table and then you can ask me 'yes' or 'no' questions to find out what it is. You can ask questions like, 'Is it red?'"

Taylor: "Is it red Daddy?"

Me: "Uh... Well... wait for the game to start but yes, it is red."

I continued explaining the rules and we were off to a great start. By the end of the 8th question they had established, largely through Taylor's guesses, that the object was indeed red and sitting on the table where we were seated. Then Rilee took over with a line of questioning that would rival the late Johnny Cochrane (of OJ Simpson fame... "If it don't fit you must acquit"). It went like this:

Me: Ok Girls so you know that it is red and on the table.

Rilee (pointing to a red drink on the menu): It is that drink Daddy?

Me: No

Rilee (Pointing at the brown talbe): Is it.... the table?!?!

Me: Nope, Rilee I said it is red.

Rilee (Pointing at the window): Is it that?

Me: No.

Rilee (Pointing to a painting on the wall): Is it that?

Me: No.

Rilee (pointing to the white ceiling): Is it that?

Me: No.

This continued with Rilee rattling off questions like a machine gun. Fork? Spoon? Salt Shaker? Waitress? Needless to say they lost.

We finished our meal and we were trying to coax the girls from under the table so that we could pack up and go home. When we finally got them up we noticed that there was a lady standing at our table with a newborn and smiling at us. Oh crap.... I know this lady, or I should because she is certainly looking like she recognizes us. You see, Mandy and I are easy to spot in a crowd and we tend to stick out in people's memories. She thinks its because we are a bi-racial couple. I think its because I'm so handsome and fun. Anyway. I can tell it's game on.

Lady: Hey you two! We thought that we recognized you sitting over here. How have you been?

I look at Mandy who looks at me and neither of us is registering a name at this point. Is it a social taboo to demand to see the driver's license of anybody who strikes up a conversation that you have only met once or haven't see in the past 2 years?

Mandy (Question #1): We're good how about you?

Lady: Oh we're doing just fine we just are finishing up dinner. (That's no help)

Me (Question #2): I'm surprised that you guys remember us what are the chances of that?

Lady: Well "Bob" (name change) spotted you and so I thought that I'd come over and say "hi". How have you been doing?

Mandy (Question #3): We're doing great. We just moved back to the area after being gone for a few years. Are you guys living around here?

Lady: No we're up in Independence now. Where did you guys move from?

(AHA! Obviously not friends from Portland.... Good one Mandy.)

Me (Question #4): Oh we were up in Portland for Chiropractic School and I just opened a clinic down here. What's the last 4 digits of your social?

Lady: That's right I heard that you are a chiropractor now. I was just talking with some friends about how wierd it would be to have a friend of yours as you doctor. You know because they would have to see you naked and all.

Mandy (Question #5): What kind of clinic do you think we're running?!? Who are we going to be seeing naked?

(Not a great one for the game but yeah... what kind of clinic does she think we're running?)

Lady: Oh well I just meant for massages and stuff. So are you liking it?

Me (Question #6): Yeah... loving it. Look, who are some of the old friends that we have in common like....

Lady: We see "Betty" all the time. She said she'd never come see you either. Are these your girls?

Mandy (Question #7): Yep those are our two princesses. Now how many do you have?

Lady: 4 now.

Me (Question #8): And how many did you have last time we saw you?

Lady: What?

Mandy (Question #9): Yeah good question. When we saw you last did you have a child and if so how old?

Lady: Uh.... I don't know.

Jason (Question #10): Are you bigger than a bread box?

Lady: A what?

Mandy (Question #11): A bread box. You know where you keep bread. Just answer the question are you bigger than a bread box and are you somebody we would see on a daily basis?

Lady: You're making me nervous and scaring my baby.

Jason (Question #12): Animal, Mineral or vegetable huh? COME ON! ANIMAL, MINERAL, OR VEGETABLE!!!

At this point she turned to her husband and yelled, "HONEY START THE CAR! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE YOUNGS"

Bad news is that at this point she left with all four of her kids crying. Good news is that we ended up winning the game. If you're reading this now I want you to know that we remember you now. I'm sorry that we strung you along for a while but we remember you and your husband and now that we do it was good to see you! Technically you shouldn't feel bad that we didn't remember you right off the bat since you didn't even answer the last couple questions and we had about 8 left.

What's in a Nickname?

2007-11-13T11:08:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about me is my name. First of all Jason is not an easy name to make fun of. Aside from an occasional dorky remark (and I've heard them all) every Friday the 13th, what are you going to call me? Basin? Mason? Quason or some other nonsense? Its much better than a guy I saw on Monday night football. He's a wide receiver for the Indianapolis Colts... Craphonso Thorpe. That's not a typo that's Crap-honso. Let your imagination go wild and somebody please slap his momma.

My middle name is Jamaal. I always thought that was an exceptionally cool name. In fact in highschool I tried going by Jamaal a few times. It was just interesting and a wee bit "blacker" if you know what I mean. But you know that first day of class when the teacher calls off the roll and asks what you want to be called? I would always forget that I was Jamaal and not Jason. So that's how I missed out on a career in Rap music. When you put it all together the name Jason means "Healer". Jamaal means "Handsome". So literally, my name means Young handsome doctor. Look at me now!

But I do have other names. My family calls me "JJ" short for Jason Jamaal. My dad and sisters call me "Jase-a-Face" or "Face" for short. And partially as a by-product of this blog's title, others will call me "Jay" from time to time. I still like the name Jason the best. I do have one nickname that you will NEVER hear from me. Don't ask my wife; don't ask my family. They know that they will forever be cut off from free adjustments if they utter it. Trust me... that is a price that is too high for the risk. The name will henceforth be refered to in print as Jay-!@#%*. That isn't actual profanity but to me it is. Don't try to extrapolate or read into what it possibly could be. It's a string of nonsensical words developed by my mom back when artificial sweeteners were still experimental. The bottomline is leave it alone.

Aren't nicknames a wierd phenomenon? I can understand some of them. For instance if you were Homer and Marge Simpson you would naturally call little Bartholemew, Bart because it is so much easier to yell. Others are completely understandable. A buddy of mine had a girl at his highschool who was nicknamed "Big Boobs McGee". 'Nuff said. Yet there is a whole class of nicknames that make no sense at all. Specifically, I'm talking about names that save you no time and aren't practical in the way that Miss McGee's name was.

I'm guilty as well. We call our little girl Taylor "Tay-Tay" or "T-Marie". Rilee to us is "Rizzle-Roo", "Rizzle", or "Riles". When she was a baby she had a lot of tummy troubles and I would sleep with her every night on the couch. We got to be close that way at a time in my life that I didn't have very much time for my children. So I called her "Bud" because she was my little buddy. Now I'm trying out "Rudy" because she's so spunky and I think that Rudy is a spunky name. If you don't think so please refer to Rudy Huxtable of the Cosby Show or that movie with Samwise playing football for Notre Dame.

Here is what I think its all about. Nicknames can be more descriptive of us than our real names (with the obvious exeception of Jay-$#@!%). We're not one of those crazy Hippy couples who waits until our kid is 3 years old to let them pick their own name. That's how you get people name Zippy Featherpickle or Gooby. The names we choose for our children embody the hopes we have for their future. When we have a son we will name him Lincoln because it seems like a noble and respectable name with a cool nickname - "Link". We would not name our child Chester which flows all to easily with "the Molestor". But nicknames are how we feel about some one - good or bad. If your name is Robert but you're a boring Robert your name is Bob. If you're a fun Robert you're a Bobby or Robby. If you're a cool Robert you're name is Rob. If your a doofus your name is Bobert.

I guess there's one other thing thats great about nicknames. When it's not going on a birth certificate or drivers license you don't need your spouses permission to call your child Miss Cleopatra Pickypants of the North Farcrumpia Shickleshank Clan. (A name I'm looking at trying out on Taylor in the near future.)

-Jay-$#@$#!%

Couple Dating

2007-09-22T00:59:00.000-07:00

Whenever you get married you tend to think that this is the end of your dating career, right? I know I did. My wife Mandy is very special to me. We met playing volleyball and if you've ever played sports with me you know that my favorite part of any game is the trash talk. I am of the opinion that any sport would be greatly enhanced by adding bonus points for quick wits rather than just quick reflexes. But this was the second thing that made me fall in love with Mandy (#1 was her smile of course). While she rarely hit a ball I sent over the net she was quick to return every taunt I sent her way. So after only two years I was able to talk her into marrying me. And that should have been it right? WRONG.

Little did I know, the fun had just started. We quickly entered the world of Team Dating. If you're married you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're single this is what you have to look forward to. But Team Dating is real. I'm not talking about anything freaky. Keep reading and I'll illustrate the point.

The first couple we ever dated we'll call: "The Smiths". Nevermind the fact that this was actually their names. They lived in our apartment complex just after we got married and we got along really well. Just about every night we would have dinner or play games or something fun. If we had some extra food we'd call the Smiths and when they made some dessert they'd call us. Something good happen? Call the Smiths. Need somebody you could trust? Call the Smiths. It was a great relationship. That is until a new couple from Hawaii moved into the complex.

It all began innocently enough. They were new in town and didn't know anybody. The power had just gone out in our complex and it was snowy outside. One thing led to another and before we knew it we all ended up going to the movies together. We found that we really liked this new couple. Not that we didn't like the Smiths any more, this new couple was just different and that was exciting. Pretty soon we would have them over every other night to play board games or have dessert and talk. Each time they came by we could draw the blinds or turn off the ringer to the phone. We were having fun with our new friends but neither Mandy nor I could shake the deep feeling of shame that came with each activity. Let's call a spade a spade.... We were cheating on the Smiths. Of course they caught us eventually. But imagine our suprise when we discovered that the Smiths had been cheating on US with the Hawaiian couple. THOSE TRAMPS!

Now once you have children you can no longer just date couples anymore. You now have to date whole families. It just can't really workout between you and a couple without children. Everytime they want to go to the movies it costs you twice as much because you have to pay for a sitter. Although they claim to, they can't really appreciate the destructive force of children in the home and why there are always toys in the floor. Trust me, we've tried. Ususally it is the couple that will break up with the family. Let's face it, after a few kids it's just hard to be "sexy" anymore.

We are dating a nice family now. Our kids play great together. We exchange meals four times a week. Guess who snapped the picture of us on our family blog... That's right it's the family we're dating. Most nights after all of the kids are in bed, the couple will come over and we play Mario Party 8 on the Wii. Sure we get together with other families but that's not "going steady". It's a really good relationship and I think it will be for quite a while.... that is unless some sleazy family from another tropical island moves in.

*** Note: We love all of our friends.

Bunco Debacle

2007-09-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

Maybe you've heard of Bunco maybe you haven't. This entry isn't really about Bunco but that is the context in which my little tale will take place. Just so you know though, Bunco is a social game based on the rolling of dice to achieve certain roll values. Basically, its craps for Mormons. It's a wild good time where everybody does a lot of yelling and screaming and cursing at dice that won't do what you want them to do.

A few months back my wife was invited to join a group of stay-at-home-moms to be in a sort of Bunco "club". I just got a really great idea...I'm going to change the names of the parties involved not really to protect the innocent but because I think it will be fun. Don't read anything into the names I choose... please.... I can just see somebody freaking out thinking that I chose some name to be mean or tricky or something. I'm just chosing them because I get to. If you don't believe me then read somebody elses blog. Ok enough about the disclaimer.....

Anyway.... So "Paris Hilton" invited my wife to join this little Bunco club. I thought it was a great idea because it would give her a night away from the kids and a chance to hang out with other adults such as "Lindsay Lohan", "Britney Spears", and "Raven from 'That's So Raven'". (See how fun that is to use pretend names?) The first time a dozen of them got together, had a nice dinner, played some Bunco, gossiped, and exchanged tips for punishing kids. Mandy came home super late but had a great time. I thought this was going to be a beautiful thing. We even had it at our house once.

Well last night they played again and it was hosted by none other than "Hillary Clinton" who prepared a wonderful burrito bar for the ladies to enjoy. There was a record 18 women in attendance! At the end of the evening "Oprah" opened a can of worms. She brought up the cost of providing dinner for 18 people and wondered if instead she could provide desserts or appetizers when she hosted the next month's gathering. B I G M I S T A K E ! ! ! Suddenly the women began to do what the women do best. They created some serious drama. "The Obama Girl" said it wouldn't be fair if a full meal wasn't provided because everybody else had broken of about $100 for food when they hosted the event. Paris and Lindsey agreed. Oprah sent out an e-mail sent out an email to everybody to get their opinion. Some of the ladies like "Pink", "Jessica Simpson" and "RuPaul" didn't think that the dinner thing was such a big deal. "Cher" suggested that everybody pitch in or donate some money to the hostess. "Ally McBeal" was adamant that she wasn't going to pay somebody to cook for her. Paris insisted that everybody had agreed to take a turn and as such they women were bound and obligated to feed those original 12 and then the group could renegotiate how food was handled......

WAIT-A WAIT-A WAIT-A WAIT A MINUTE!!!

Do you see how obsurd this is? I thought the whole point was to get together, roll dice, and gossip. Food is just something you do because you're not some jerk and you know how to entertain guests. But it isn't the whole point of getting togehter. If this were guys getting together and "Denzel Washington" (Ok that one is actually me) decided that he wasn't going to serve pizza when the boys came over to play Madden '08, "Tom Cruise" wouldn't jump on the couch and start screaming about how much he loved pizza and whine about how this wasn't fair. Why? Because guys understand that the purpose of the gathering is to get away from the kids for a while, not to act like them. If the guys wanted to eat pizza that bad they would just tell "Denzel" that he sucked and then reset the game anytime he was about to score a touchdown for the rest of the night.

These ladies are acting like they are in some sort of professional Bunco league or something. What Commisioner? Are you going to fine whoever doesn't follow the league rules $250,000 and take away a Bunco draft pick next season? Will they also have to serve a 3 Bunco night suspension for not preparing cocktail weenies? If they only spend $98 on dinner instead of the $100 everybody else spent will any Bunco records they set forever have a dreaded * next to them in the history books? I'd hate to see what the WBL (Wive's Bunco League) hands down as punishment for performance enhancing drugs! (Welcome to Bunco night please pee in this cup before the opening roll).

Enough mockery. Bottom line ladies. Six-sided dice? They are easy to come by. I've even got a few of my own. Good friends? Child free moments? A good excuse to not wear sweat pants all day? SO much harder to come by. Don't you spend enough time fighting with your kids about food all day? Do you really need to do this with your friends? Life isn't fair... but you know that. Friends shouldn't run tabs with each other; it's your friend for crying out loud!

Here is the simple solution..... (I know because this is how guys would handle it).

LEAVE IT UP TO THE HOST. If she wants to provide food. Great! Otherwise.... GREAT! She's still your friend. You can still have a good time. If you're worried about your tummy rumbling bring your own snack big girl. (Not 'big' meaning fat but 'big' meaning... oh nevermind). Otherwise you can come play Madden with me and the boys. It's "Spiderman's" turn to bring the pizza this week. And he better or we'll tell his wife he's not really at the library studying.

Please... Just leave me alone.

2007-08-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Guys... you know what I'm talking about. Girls.... maybe it's not the same for you, but there is a phenomenon that occurs in the men's locker room. I notice it usually in the morning. Early in the morning. I'm talking 5:00-7:00 AM. Here's an example of it:

I had turned over a new leaf (trust me my tree is running out of leaves to turn over) and decided that I would workout for an hour before school. There are so many benefits to that.

#1) I get some exercise which I don't have time for at any other point in the day
#2) Exercise is great for a number of things from reducing low back pain (can you tell I'm a chiropractor) to reducing your risk of cardiovascular disease.
#3) A little exercise in the morning can give you a boost of energy for the day.
#4) I'm fat..... ANY HOOO...

I got up at 5:30 AM three days in a row. On the third day I was a little late waking up so after my workout I had to put in my contact lenses in the locker room. So, I had just showered and dressed and was in the process of putting in my left lense when this old fat dude waddles up to me dressed in only a towel tossed over his right shoulder. He enters my "bubble", you know my personal space, squints at me and says, "That's disgusting. I don't want to walk in here and see you diggin' in your eyeballs. Why would I want to look at that? Can't you do that at home?"

WHAT?!? Sir, there are parts of your body that haven't even dragged in from the showers. Your bloated, saggy, naked body is in my personal bubble and all you can think to do with your towel is keep your shoulder warm. You're calling my contact lense, which if I dropped it on the carpet you'd never find, DISGUSTING?

This really smacks at a greater issue. Let me illustrate further:

Another morning; another leaf. I've just come from the shower and I'm standing my towel trying to work the combination on my locker. Some middle age guy with glasses so thick he can surely see my future, walks up right behind me and shouts (because he's half deaf) "DO YOU WORK DOWNTOWN?". I try to ignore him because surely you don't just stroll up to some 240 lb black man, you've never met, while he's standing there in his towel and ask... WELL ANYTHING! But there he was. And there I was.

Look NEW RULE OK? If we haven't met before we walked into the locker room don't talk to me! If we haven't exchanged friendly nods, shook hands, stood in line by each other for the drinking fountain, or even parked in the same row of the parking lot. DON'T TALK TO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN EITHER YOU OR I AM NAKED! Ok? Can we do that for each other? Can we have that level of non-freakiness and respect? And for crying out loud... if you have the towel, cover your wrinkly JUNK!

Thanks in Advance!

-Jason Young

No Idols Before Me (American or Otherwise)

2007-08-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

In this blog I will wax philosophical and religious. If you're not down with that... I won't apologize... my blog, my rules. But if you're a heathen consider yourself duly warned and I hope you appreciate that I've just saved you some time with this subtle warning. :D

Now... The second Sunday of every month I teach the Elders at church. This week the topic was the first commandment: "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me." It was a really cool experience teaching it this week because it was one of those experiences where I was learning as I was teaching. The Holy Ghost brought things to my mind which were better than what I prepared. Here is the gist of what I learned in my lesson today.

Me and Mandy took the little girls to the Clark County Fair just a little north of Vancouver, WA. It was a total blast. We saw all of the interesting things there including a monster truck rally. I found myself feeling escpecially red neckish as I whooped at truck hurling over mudpits and dirt mounds. We rode some rides and ate the fair food (and paid the price later).

We always go to the pavilion. I remember when I was in middle school I could never understand what was cool about the pavilion with rows and rows of overpriced cookware, waterproof house siding, airbrushed T-Shirts, etc. But now that I'm a boring adult testing the limits of mortality at 30 years old, it's the most interesting thing at the fair. Go figure.

This year I was really on the lookout for chiropractors. You may have seen them at fairs before doing evaluations of people's spines with crazy electronic devices or contraptions with colored strings. There is some debate in the world of chiropractic as to whether this is just a practice for hacks. Since I'm planning on starting a practice in January I wanted to see if this is a marketing tool I want to use. So I talked to all of the chiropractors I saw there. One guy in particular gave me his card and told me that he does some coaching for people who want to improve their chiropractic practice.

I noticed that on his card he had the symbol of a cross worked into his logo and a scripture on the back. When I got home and checked his website he gave me, it was full of Christian influence. He was very up front with his ideas about the benefits of faith in God and the values of chiropractic. His faith was very pervasive in his marketing materials. I started to wonder.... I this guy a better Christian than I because his faith is such an outward expression?

I shared this story and posed the question to the class. I heard a range of responses from ideas that he does this to attract Christian clientele to his pushing his beliefs too much on other people. My thoughts were that he was being genuine and that I admired his fearlessness in expressing his faith. For my own clinic I have purchased art that contains quotes from the modern prophets that I plan to display in each treatment room. But to me this seemed that this man, who is very financially successful, puts nothing before God.

Then I began to think about the scripture that says: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you." This is when a great revelation came. I am always thinking/praying: "God if you will just give me I promise I will use it for your glory, to spread the gospel, etc." or "God when I am rich I will feed the hungry and clothe the naked, if you'll just make me rich." THERE'S A PROBLEM HERE. I have it backwards don't I? The commandment is that I will put no other gods BEFORE Him. Or in other words, I shouldn't be desiring the "tools" I think I need to do His work first. I should be feeding the hungry and clothing the naked right now. It's Kingdom first.... Things second, even if the things are for the kindgom.

Here I was asking about how to make my dream of having a chiropractic clinic, helping my community, healing people, supporting my family, etc. at the CLARK COUNTY FAIR! With all of the things I want my clinic and my career to mean I was looking for guidance in the exhibition hall among the ginsu knives and miracle cleaning solutions. If I was putting the kingdom first I would be praying more, fasting, looking heavenward more for my marketing plan. I know that God puts people in our paths to help us but if I'm being honest with myself (and now everybody reading) I was putting my clinic before the kingdom, not the other way around. Before seeking His help I wanted to see what my colleagues thought.

WAIT! Do you hear that? It's the sound of me changing my focus. I need to approach this whole thing from the top down rather than from my head or my heart.

Another epiphany was related to the idea that God is a jealous God. It says this several times in the Old Testament. The phrase never really sat too well with me. I mean, jealousy is bad right? I picture jealousy and see some bratty kid whining because they don't have ice cream. Or I see some ex-boyfriend punching out new boyfriend over a girl. The thought just goes contrary to my whole concept of and experience with God. BUT today I finally got it.

If you are the parent of a teenager, at some point you have to come to grips with the fact that the major influencing factor in just about every decision your child makes is not you. It is his or her friends. This is absolutely true. Think back to your teen years or read any number of research studies that have been done on the topic. It's friends first during adolescence. How must that feel when it comes to the more important decisions in life that my little girl will be more interested in what little Sally, who's parents don't care how she dresses, thinks than in my opinion? I'm sure I'll make the top 10 opinions that matter, but it might hurt that I'm not number 1 or at least second place to my wife. Now it makes sense. THIS is the jealousy that God feels. Wait a minute! That's not jealousy at all! It's LOVE!

God loves us and knows what's best for us, just the same way that I'll know whats better for my daughter when she's 13 than any kid at school. It must hurt when we decide that the guy at the county fair has a better idea of what we need than He does. Now, I know that when I pray more for His help with my clinic an operations manual and an $80,000 small business grant is not necessarily going to plop onto my door mat. BUT I will find that I will receive the most perfect guidance and the best gifts from Him. God is perfect. He CAN'T do less than His best, and His best is perfection. What more could I possibly ask for?

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me." Even if the other gods can cut through a tin can and still slice paper-thin tomato slices.

The FIRST ever BLOG SNOB AWARD!

2007-07-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

Well, my last blog entry was inspiring... for me at least. There was a comment left by a girl named Carrie. Who is Carrie you ask? Honestly, I had no idea. My wife later let on that it is one of her friends. This is how I found out.

Me: Hey some random chick left a comment on my blog. That's cool. I have no idea who she is.

Her: Some random chick?

Me: Yeah some girl named Carrie. She lives in Utah. I guess she has a blog of her own I'm looking at the pictures right now.

Her: WHAT?!? Some strange woman is sending you pictures over the Internet? Nobody leaves a message on MY man's blog like that. Let me see a picture of that ..... [tearing the laptop from my hands examining the picture] Oh, that's just my friend Carrie from back home!

Ok, ok... maybe that was a little over dramatized. It was more like:

Me: Who the heck is Carrie Burt?

Her: That's my friend from back home!

See TOTALLY boring. So I went with the other version.

Anyway. I decided to check out her blog and was reading a post about how she just joined the Air force. BUT there was something in this blog that caught my eye. It was this sentence:

"Just think about all the awesome blogs I'm going to get to write! All of my decisions in life are based on whether it would make a good blog or not."

Now THAT is gratuitous blogging and an embodiment of everything that a Blog Snob is. So in Carrie's honor I developed an official Blog Snob Award. She is the first recipient of this high honor. Go check out her Blog.... She has absolutely no shame. I love it :D.

http://ceeburt.blogspot.com/

Look for future Blog Snob awards. Maybe your blog will earn one some day and you can post the award on your blog with pride. I will be awarding them every...... Every time I feel like it of course!

~-=`~... BLOG WARS ~-=`~...

2007-07-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

You've waited a long time for it and now it's here.... It's not just any blog... It's the blog about...

It's like the first day of school. You know when you had just been back to school shopping the week before and you wanted to wear the very best outfit you picked up. You wanted to do this because everybody was going to judge you on how great your summer was and how cool you would be in the year to come by what you had on. You probably spent hours setting out clothes on the bed, wiping invisible spots from your new shoes, and wishing that you had an extra set of legs so that you could wear the acid wash 501's and your Bugle Boy jeans. Now don't go projecting on me! It's not like I ever did any of these things. I was too cool to care.

What's like dressing for the first day of school? Blogs of course! It's BLOG WARS out there and everybody must bring their A-game. Otherwise what will people really think of your family reunion at Aunt Millie's Ferret Farm or your new backyard landscaping or little Bobby's first poopy diaper or the time your husband took the trash out and forgot to put the lid on. People have to know these things because they need to know how cool you are! You are cool.... right?

One of my favorite possessions in the world is our digital SLR camera. Why? Because even though I stink at photography, the camera makes me look like a pro. Sometimes people will look at one of my photos and say, "Jason, I love the way that you captured the light and motion in this picture." I say, "Yes, I'm glad you noticed and the details of the shot weren't wasted on you." But what I mean is, "I tripped over the curb behind me as I was clicking the picture and I got lucky." Anyway... get a digital SLR, very forgiving and a huge ego boost. But the reason I bring up the camera is that I was shooting some pictures of my daughters and a lady came up to me and asked about the camera. She said it was just what she needed. Oh yeah? Why? Well because she is tired of reading her friends blogs and seeing their perfect Kiddy Kandid's quality photographs while she had something more along the lines of camera phone pictures on hers. I asked what will happen once she gets some better pictures on her blog. She looked at me and said, "Well then I.... um... i...." and walked away.

I knew just what she meant though. For example you may have noticed that your pictures come out looking like this:

But your friend's blog has the same picture but it looks like this:

POP QUIZ: Who's the better Mom?

Well if you said the mom who took the first picture you're dead wrong. I mean how can you life be anything short of perfect if whenever you take pictures of you sweet little angels, the contrast and color balance are perfect, the shadows are properly adjusted and hearts spontaneously pop onto the exposure. Better mom, better kids, better life.

Or how about this:

Dearest Blog Readers:

Today I was reflecting on what a marvelous little child I have. Rilee is so in touch with nature and all of God's beautiful creations. She loves to play in rolling fields all day because the weather is always perfect where we live. Just look at our perfect princess! I'm just sorry you all don't have one half as good as she is. See? This typical photograph of her says it all:

NOW LETS BE HONEST. This is a picture I snapped of Rilee pooping her pants in a field in the middle of the country in North Carolina. But I'd never put that in a blog.... That would be like wearing the old gray Fila sweat pants with the black Atlanta Hawks sweatshirt and beige dress socks I have on to my first day of school.

Good luck soldiers. May the 'farce' be with you.

The wave of the Future; The Future is Blogs; The Future is NOW!

2007-07-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when you were in grade school? They would hand our those "Reader Rick" or some other little pamphlet to stimulate a 1st graders interest in reading? I remember those because every once in a while they would publish some article about the future. Apparently in the year 2000 we were supposed to have automatic pilot cars that if the traffic on the road got too bad could launch into the air and fly you the rest of the way to work. I recently watched Back to the Future II and according to that movie, in the year 2015 most cars would be flying, clothes would adjust themselves to fit us, and people could get robotic implants to become super strong. Granted, for them 2015 was about 30 years in the future how could they possibly know what to expect? For us however, it is only 8 years away and the bigger concern than getting your car off of the ground is affording gas to put in the car.

I guess my point is that the future wound up being something that nobody expected. The 4th of July weekend really drove (yes drove in a hovercar) that home to me.

I was attending a close friend's wedding reception back home in Corvallis. It was a beautiful event held in their yard on an even more beautiful summer evening. Picture round white tables on deep green grass, badminton, croquet, trampolines, large shade trees, a jungle gym covered with children while some smooth music played in the background. There were dozens of people with or without shoes, socializing, eating, and laughing. Sometimes there was a handshake exchanged at an introduction or an embrace shared at a reunion. Who would have thought that the future would look so organic as this? No streets paved in corrugated metal or flying commuter vehicles in sight.

However, the 21st century had it's fingerprints all over this gathering. Let me illustrate by sharing a conversation I heard more than twice that night:

Person A: Hi I'm A I'm so glad to finally meet you.

Person B: Oh A! I'm B! It's good to meet you too! I feel like we've know each other for so long.

Person A: How are your little girls? They are SO adorable!

Person B: Oh did you see them running around here? They weren't pouring lemonade in each other's hair again were they?

Person A: OH you brought your girls along? I haven't seen them here.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Why are two people who are literally meeting for the first time, not being introduced by a common acquaintance, chatting like old friends? Keep eavesdropping. You'll find out what the future has done.

Person B: You haven't seen them running around? They're always getting into some sort of trouble.

Person A: I know I read about your family every week on your Blog.

LADIES and GENTLEMEN.... the future.

It was amazing to see a gathering of so many people who had never met yet were so intimately informed on each other's lives, families, and ideas. It was fascinating! Then the conversation would morph into discussing another person at the party who neither A or B had met in person.
It was a startling web of connectivity that has never existed in the history of the world.

I'm impressed at how many people read THIS Blog. I intended this place as more of a journal that I don't mind others reading but I have never really advertised it. I've never e-mailed anyone and said, "Check out whats going on in my life! Hear my thoughts and ideas". Yet here you are. Occasionally I will include it in my profile on some online account and then there is the link to my family's Blog. It was shocking the first time I saw a comment posted.

I'll be honest, sometimes it freaks me out. I used to think it was a bad idea being so informed on everythign that was going on in a distant friends life because what would you talk about when you got back together? But it has actually had the opposite effect. Or I could say that it has the opposite affect. It is kind of nice to still feel connected to so many friends even if it is from an altitude of 30,000 feet. I have to admit, my wife does most of the blog reading for our family. Several hours a week in fact. But I get to hear all of the highlights!

So I'm curious (as a result) how many of you are there? If you have a Blog would you post the URL in a comment on this message?

Ok this sucker is way too long now. I'll add more later. I originally intended to write about what I call "Blog Wars" or "Blog Snobs" but I waxed all philosophical about the invisible threads that BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I.... No WE.... Did it.

2007-06-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

You know... there was a time that I didn't think I was worth very much. Those were very painful years. I didn't really have a great reason or anything that I could put my finger on. I just thought that I was generally worthless. This might surprise some of you who know me now, but I used to struggle. It was middle school and the early years of high school. I didn't think that I had many friends. I let my grades slip. I constantly compared myself to my older sisters who I thought were brilliant in every way (about that I was mostly right). Over the years I have tried hard to forget about that sad kid I used to be. A lot of water has rolled under the bridge and many suns have set since those days. I hadn't thought about the former me for a long time. Lately I've thought about him a lot.

I, or it's more accurate to say "we", finished chiropractic school this week. I am now Dr. Jason J. Young, DC. It feels as strange for me to type it as it probably feels for you to read it. Half of my lifetime later that confused little boy turned out to be a doctor. It's a mistake to make it sound like a passive process though. In the years in between I have really been through the fire in a lot of ways. I have worked and sweated and failed and tried again and cried and laughed. But above all I have learned. What have I learned? I think that I've learned, or rather that I'm learning, that I'm not just me.

I am my mother who chose my name understanding its meaning: Jason (Healer) Jamaal (Handsome) Young (Duh... you figure this one out). She says that she always knew what I would become. I am my father who sees in me an heir and has loved me and believed in me from the beginning. He constantly reminds me (not only with words) that who I am reflects on him. Like my other Father, his glory comes with the quality of his children. I am my sisters who not only push me and challenge me, but they lift me up and support me. I am my brother, in who's eyes I can do no wrong. I am my mother and father-in-law who, after welcoming me into their family, took a detour from the course they plotted in life to help care for my family as I was in school. I am all of the friends I have had, even the ones from the period I described as the dark times of my life, the ones I didn't realize then, that I had. I am the hopes and dreams of ancestors who once sacrificed and endured trials so that I could have this blessed opportunity. I am my peers and colleagues who helped me along the way, who laughed and cried with me, or who let me laugh and cry with them. I am my wife who sacrificed just about everything which resembled independance on individuality for the sake of our family and our dreams. I am my beautiful daughters who love me unconditionally who remind me to play often and loud.

There are a lot of parts to who I have become, so far. Above all though, I am the boy from middle school or the early years of high school. I'm that same person. When I finished taking the last final I ever intend to take, I walked quickly to my car at the far end of the parking lot. I had to. I couldn't stop the tears from coming. All I could think about was that boy. I wanted to go back and give him a hug and hold him. I wanted to let him know the he should keep his head up and believe what his parents said about him. I wanted to tell him that he wasn't a loser. That one day people who were suffering, sick, or otherwise afflicted would call him "Doctor". I wanted him to know that he had the power to help and heal them. It's not because of the training, although that is a part of it. It's because of who he is, or who he is becoming.

I want to thank all of you who have supported me and my family over the years. I can't name you all and you may not have thought that you helped. We appreciate it so much. I'm so glad that I was wrong all of those years. I wonder how my life would be right now if I had believed in myself the way some of you believed in me then. That's why I say "we" did it. But what have we done? I'm not sure yet.... this is only part of the beginning.

*****

For those of you who may be curious as to what comes next. I will start my internship in Southwest Portland in a week. I complete that at the end of the summmer. When that is done I will be traveling around the Pacific NW, Utah and Texas as a recruiter for the chiropractic college. In November I take the last part of the national board examinations and when the scores are available in January, I anticipate opening a clinic in Corvallis.

I'm sorry if you were expecting something funny. I guess I was just feeling sentimental and sappy today. I'm going to include some graduation pictures and eventually a video of me being hooded with my regalia. Some of them are really low resolution because I am unwilling/able to pay the $50 the photographer is charging for the high-res copy.

-Dr. Jason Young, DC

Universe??? How about a Red Bull???

2007-06-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

You may have heard of it? "The Secret" Men don't want to talk about it because they would probably have to admit that they watched Oprah. People who use it are annoying because... well they have all of the stuff they want (or so they say). Ironically "the Secret" has become so popular it can hardly be called "the Secret" anymore can it? By now you are probably intrigued and wondering, "What is 'the Secret'? and why don't I know it?" BECAUSE ITS A SECRET!

Nah... I wouldn't do that to you. The secret is the law of attraction. Basically to plagarized from some guy I saw on the movie version of "the Secret" it is summed up in three words:

THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS

One of my wife's friends let her borrow the DVD and after about 4 months of it sitting in our home we decided that it was time to escape our abject poverty and 24/7 life of mediocrity only owning two cars, two kids and 2.5 higher education degrees. We popped in the video and started learning from some of the world's most famous (I had never heard of them) visionaries, philosophers, psychics, blackjack dealers, and even one chiropractor. They made a strong case that what you focus on you create in your life. THAT'S THE SECRET! It's not that you CAN manifest the things that you focus on in your life. Its that you DO manifest them. The way they put it is that the Universe is like a magic Genie who only says, "Your wish is my command" and gives you what you wish for.

Example #1:

You - I'm worried that the neighbors don't like the color we painted the house

Universe - Your wish is my command

Result - 24 hours later your house is egged

Example #2:

You - I'm so happy. Why? Because today there is going to be some money in my mailbox!

Universe - Your wish is my command

Result - 3 pm the mail arrives. Pizza hut coupons and two credit card applications included

Example #3:

You - A girl that pretty would never like a guy like me.

Universe - Your wish is my command

Result - Pretty girl falls in love with the guy from example two because he can make ends meet.

See how that works? All joking aside I was pretty inspired by this video but I'm a bit skeptical. Over the past 3 years, training to become a Doctor has honed my mind into a shrewd observer of natural and scientific phenomenon. So I applied the scientific method working under the hypothesis that if I focused hard enough on something it would happen. But it's not just focusing... You have to FEEL it! So knowing that I only had one patient on my schedule for the next morning I then started to feel happy about the fact that I was actually going to be seeing two! I told my wife before we went to bed that night, "Honey, I'm excited because when I left school yesterday there was only one patient on the schedule for tomorrow but I've decided that I'll see two instead!" And wouldn't you know, the next morning I showed up at the clinic and there were two patients on the schedule and both kept their appointments. Score one for "the Secret". Hmmmmm what could I conjure up next? I guess it would be nice to have a building to practice in once I graduate. Universe? How about it? Low-and-behold I jumped on the internet and found a perfect location in a new building that was WAY underpriced! Had I actually done it? Had I unleashed the power of "the Secret"? OPRAH? Oprah is that you, girl?

I called my wife. "Honey I did it! I.... ummm.... (what do you call it).... I Secreted up some... the Universe it..... well..... How are the kids?"

Fast forward to right now. It's 1 AM and I'm supposed to be working an a paper that needs to be in tomorrow morning. So naturally I am blogging. But I'm just so tired and the paper is mind numbing. So here is the ultimate test of "the Secret". I'm just THRILLED that there is a Red Bull in my fridge right now! WOO HOO! Why? BECAUSE RED BULL GIVES YOU WINGS! So how about it Universe? Where's my can of Red Bull? AND MAKE IT DIET! I don't need the extra calories.

But you know... if this works.... if I open the fridge and there's my Red Bull, I'm not going to drink it. Nope. That would keep me awake. Why stay up when I can just be happy that the Universe is going to finish my paper and I'll pick it up from him in the morning? THANKS PAL!

PSALMS 31:6

The Daddy Club - Membership has its privileges

2007-05-21T11:50:00.001-07:00

Fatherhood has its privileges. When one becomes a "Daddy" certain rights and priveleges are bestowed as well. Sure there are an endless list of responsibilities, however, it is my goal to explore some of the lavish benefits that result from entering the ranks of Papa-dom. We don't have a clubhouse, regular meetings, a secret handshake, chapters, uniforms, or membership cards. Despite this, our franternity of paternity allows us abilities and rights that normal human beings do not enjoy.
ARTICLE I. - Basketball Rights
Fathers claim the exclusive rights to making bank-shots without calling them. This is not limited to lay-ups like normal basketball players. As a father I can bank a three-pointer and when you make some smart remark like "Did you call that?" all that is required of me is to pull a sweaty wallet-sized picture of my beautiful daughters out of my shoe and show it to you. Then if I choose to I can slap that picture on your forehead and make you play with it on there for the remainder of the game. Daddys also claim the right to the following privileges regarding fouls: unlimited fouls, fouling without contact because we would have fouled you if we could have caught you, calling a foul any time we are injured even if its a groin pull at the water cooler, and calling a foul any time we miss a shot (contact by an opponent is not required). In addition we claim the right to: unlimited time-outs, defense that never crosses half-court, shooting where ever we feel like it (especially a hook shot), and of course unlimited sweating.
ARTICLE II. - Fashion
Fathers may wear black socks with anything. This includes but is not limited to: dress shoes, running shoes, basketball shoes, slippers, Birkenstocks, flip-flops, boxer shorts, flippers, ballet slippers, and hockey masks.
Daddys have the right to enter some articles of clothing into the "Federal Garment Protection Program". This prevents wives, children, etc. from borrowing or discarding clothes that may be comfortable (regardless of condition or fashion) or of sentimental value (ie. lucky jerseys, hats, eye patches, etc.). When this basic right of fatherhood is violated via the routine or ritualistic destruction or discarding of these vestitures, fathers then have the exclusive right to purchase a high-end electronic device such as a High definition plasma TV.
ARTICLE III. - Facts
Shortly after the sperm fertilizes an egg, fathers develop an encyclopedic knowledge of..... EVERYTHING. This is mostly because daddys have the ability and authority to invent facts. We claim this privelege based on the fact that we are constantly bombarded with questions that we could not possibly know the answer to anyway.

Example 1:
Mother: WHO LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP???
Father: IT WAS THE HOBBITS DARLING!

Example 2:
Child: Dad, Where do baby elephants come from?
Father: Cleveland.

More to come......

Saving the world one blog at a time.

2007-05-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

I did it.... I decided that the world needed another blog. It's rather ironic that I can't figure out how people have any time to read blogs yet here I am adding to the billions if not trillions of words to read on the internet. I wonder if anybody will even find their way here. So why do I write? Because blogs will save the world, that is if they don't destroy it first.
If you know me, or somebody like me, then you know that I have an opinion about everything. I don't just mean everything though, I mean everything. You want to know what what I think about the rising price of gas? I think it's ridiculous that we have to pay for the oil industry's equipment manlfunction. Why don't they have to take a cut in profits like every other industry? You want to know what I think about football? The 49ers will be back in the playoffs this year or the one after. You want to know what I think about politics? I think that the bipartisan system is the cancer of American government. Let me guess... you didn't want to know any of that. THIS is how blogs are saving the world! You don't want to know this stuff but people like me want to tell you SO badly. We drive you crazy... to the point of insanity. You go out, buy a gun and hold up a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant for all of the game tokens. But through the miracle of blogging I can pretend that you are reading this and I never have to utter a word to you about why it bothers me that people say things like "same difference" instead of "no difference" (that's for a later blog). It feels good. See? I feel so much better having written all of this and you never had to hear a word of it. If you've read this far you're probably very confused or you have a headache by now and I apologize. I promise I'll never post anything this strange again.

-J

Jay's Essays

The Huxtables

The Punishment of Punishments

Tahoe?? Tah-NO!

20 Questions

What's in a Nickname?

Couple Dating

Bunco Debacle

Please... Just leave me alone.

No Idols Before Me (American or Otherwise)

The FIRST ever BLOG SNOB AWARD!

~-=**`~... BLOG WARS ~-=**`~...

The wave of the Future; The Future is Blogs; The Future is NOW!

I.... No WE.... Did it.

Universe??? How about a Red Bull???

The Daddy Club - Membership has its privileges

Saving the world one blog at a time.

~-=`~... BLOG WARS ~-=`~...