The Daddy Club - Membership has its privileges

Fatherhood has its privileges. When one becomes a "Daddy" certain rights and priveleges are bestowed as well. Sure there are an endless list of responsibilities, however, it is my goal to explore some of the lavish benefits that result from entering the ranks of Papa-dom. We don't have a clubhouse, regular meetings, a secret handshake, chapters, uniforms, or membership cards. Despite this, our franternity of paternity allows us abilities and rights that normal human beings do not enjoy.
ARTICLE I. - Basketball Rights
Fathers claim the exclusive rights to making bank-shots without calling them. This is not limited to lay-ups like normal basketball players. As a father I can bank a three-pointer and when you make some smart remark like "Did you call that?" all that is required of me is to pull a sweaty wallet-sized picture of my beautiful daughters out of my shoe and show it to you. Then if I choose to I can slap that picture on your forehead and make you play with it on there for the remainder of the game. Daddys also claim the right to the following privileges regarding fouls: unlimited fouls, fouling without contact because we would have fouled you if we could have caught you, calling a foul any time we are injured even if its a groin pull at the water cooler, and calling a foul any time we miss a shot (contact by an opponent is not required). In addition we claim the right to: unlimited time-outs, defense that never crosses half-court, shooting where ever we feel like it (especially a hook shot), and of course unlimited sweating.
ARTICLE II. - Fashion
Fathers may wear black socks with anything. This includes but is not limited to: dress shoes, running shoes, basketball shoes, slippers, Birkenstocks, flip-flops, boxer shorts, flippers, ballet slippers, and hockey masks.
Daddys have the right to enter some articles of clothing into the "Federal Garment Protection Program". This prevents wives, children, etc. from borrowing or discarding clothes that may be comfortable (regardless of condition or fashion) or of sentimental value (ie. lucky jerseys, hats, eye patches, etc.). When this basic right of fatherhood is violated via the routine or ritualistic destruction or discarding of these vestitures, fathers then have the exclusive right to purchase a high-end electronic device such as a High definition plasma TV.
ARTICLE III. - Facts
Shortly after the sperm fertilizes an egg, fathers develop an encyclopedic knowledge of..... EVERYTHING. This is mostly because daddys have the ability and authority to invent facts. We claim this privelege based on the fact that we are constantly bombarded with questions that we could not possibly know the answer to anyway.

Example 1:
Mother: WHO LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP???
Father: IT WAS THE HOBBITS DARLING!

Example 2:
Child: Dad, Where do baby elephants come from?
Father: Cleveland.


More to come......

Saving the world one blog at a time.

I did it.... I decided that the world needed another blog. It's rather ironic that I can't figure out how people have any time to read blogs yet here I am adding to the billions if not trillions of words to read on the internet. I wonder if anybody will even find their way here. So why do I write? Because blogs will save the world, that is if they don't destroy it first.
If you know me, or somebody like me, then you know that I have an opinion about everything. I don't just mean everything though, I mean everything. You want to know what what I think about the rising price of gas? I think it's ridiculous that we have to pay for the oil industry's equipment manlfunction. Why don't they have to take a cut in profits like every other industry? You want to know what I think about football? The 49ers will be back in the playoffs this year or the one after. You want to know what I think about politics? I think that the bipartisan system is the cancer of American government. Let me guess... you didn't want to know any of that. THIS is how blogs are saving the world! You don't want to know this stuff but people like me want to tell you SO badly. We drive you crazy... to the point of insanity. You go out, buy a gun and hold up a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant for all of the game tokens. But through the miracle of blogging I can pretend that you are reading this and I never have to utter a word to you about why it bothers me that people say things like "same difference" instead of "no difference" (that's for a later blog). It feels good. See? I feel so much better having written all of this and you never had to hear a word of it. If you've read this far you're probably very confused or you have a headache by now and I apologize. I promise I'll never post anything this strange again.

-J